this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
