I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
