He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
