I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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