I need help removing her.
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
