I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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