There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
