just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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