well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
