I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Randomize