At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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