She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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