I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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