Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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