I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
