i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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