so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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