I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I could make wine with my vomit
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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