Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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