Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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