I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
