Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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