I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
