I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
