I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My vagina is very pro this idea
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize