i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
