I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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