I hate your face
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
