she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
