rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
