I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
