how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Randomize
