Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
