even my farts smell like vagina
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
last night I used snow as a chaser
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