Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
