So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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