I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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