there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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