Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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