Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize