I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
