Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Never underestimate the power of titties
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
