textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
