my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
