Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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