Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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