Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize