He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just tell him i said nine months
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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