I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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