dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Randomize
