I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize