She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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