dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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