Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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